Returning

So, each foot step was actually leading somewhere, returning to a place of innocence and a forgiving trust in all that is, including myself.

How can I not trust, how can I not forgive. I cannot change the universe nor how God works through us all, better to accept what I cannot know nor understand and then, the world can find me and perhaps I will discover what it wants of me.

I thought I knew what forgiveness meant but I didn’t. At the centre of the wound is not only betrayal but also love. Time needed to pass before I could allow the gentle heartbreak of admitting that I still loved. Then, to feel the tragedy of it all, despair for a lifetime without a voice, silenced by my own unwillingness to accept a reality too painful.

Healing is a strange and mysterious process, one where we must be a willing and cooperative participant. Mind and body experience a confusing upheaval of tectonic change. Those many places where hidden memories are held, reform around the imaginal cells of future possibilities. Eyes that could not see, ears that could not hear, suddenly begin to function, now belonging to a self ready to live as portal to the unknown.

So, this is what it feels like to be here, to stop walking a maze of my own false certainty, desperately attempting to predict a world just small enough not to contain too much fear.

And wherever here is meets me with a welcoming invitation to turn my face to the light and with gratitude remember every patient offering of a warm sun, once refused but now accepted. Offerings of once shadowed pathways to hidden places, places awaiting a willing and forgiving witness.