Outside, silently drifting through the tree tops, grey white clouds thin to a gentle mist slowly descending to the forest floor. There, settling upon the burnt orange tangle of long dead bracken, made vibrant again by the life giving moisture.
Inside, I pace and inside my mind thoughts moving back and forth over the same question mirror the movement of my feet.
Surgery approaches, fear emerges and with it unexpected feelings arise. Feelings of wishing to hold on to the familiar comfort of form. Can I stay a little longer within my refuge, hiding from the strange reality of being recognisably male again but a different kind of male.
In transition, embodying that internal otherness that seemed inevitably and so insistently necessary to make sense of, I have irreversibly made obvious what was once hidden.
So, what urges me to change
Over the years, in my little bubble of unreality, I have felt increasingly claustrophobic. The acute self consciousness of transition has held my attention too long. I feel a longing to claim my otherness, escape the confines of imitation and surrender to the unknown. This longing really has become an imperative that cannot be ignored. No matter the fear I feel there is a sense of relief at surrender to a greater need.
I believe that within us there is a question that only in our acceptance of our own unique otherness, an answer is provided. The question really is an intimate invitation to participate in our own becoming. How small is the world we inhabit when in fear we stubbornly resist, instead, choosing imitation and illusion over the mystery beckoning us to let go of an identity too small and too safe and actually incapable of truly expressing our essence in anything but a reduced, narrow and often dishonest form.
There seems a world that is waiting for us to join with it, a world I long to pour myself into and in doing so, actually fully claim this so far, tortured incarnation.
Then, to become visible, present in the realm of attention beyond the refuge of my hiding place, where silence meets revelation and the mystery beckons me to claim a life of true incarnation.
Anima 
Thank you. Me too. Initial nerves have given way to relief . No doubt I’ll have much to talk about .
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Would love to hear how the explant goes ! The thoughts and feelings that go with the experience. Excited for you Sam !
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This is so true and exactly what has been on my mind. After surgery I know that I will feel more honest and more able to simply be what I am, a feminine man.
Thanks Kirsten.
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Yes, the hardest thing to accept is we can never truly be women. Yet if we accept we will always be male, we can move forward. Ironically this allows us to express our innate femininity. It allows us to be true to ourselves.
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