My boy, my boy, my beautiful boy, so gentle, so pure of heart, so full of joy. My boy now sleeps the longest of sleeps.
What I’d give for just one more touch of his silky grey coat against my cheek. One more moment to bury my face in the crook of his neck, to smell his lovely smell and to feel his quiet presence by my side.
This morning the wood crackles in the stove, the coffee pot burbles but there is no click clack of claws upon the wooden floor, no wild shaking as he crashes off of the sofa, announcing himself with a loud sneeze.
There is a Kai shaped hole in my day.
This morning my heart yearns to have him back, I can think of nothing else. Just for a moment, just to tell him I love him one more time and to thank him for the gift of his life.
This pain is a familiar one, over the last ten years I’ve outlived four of these wonderful creatures. I’ve dug their graves and gently laid them to rest, wrapped in their favourite blankets. It never gets easier but each time I learn more about true presence, true joy at simply being alive.
No doubt that this ache in my heart, I shall feel many more times in my life. There are too many abandoned dogs, too many in need of a loving home. Their lives are so short, yet lived with such unquestioning presence, such purity. The pain of loss at their passing is far outweighed by the gifts that they bring.
Each of the dogs I’ve known, their lights have burned so bright, illuminating what is important, love, kindness, gentleness and uncontrived being. Our attention truly is the most valuable gift we can give, we have so little time yet too easily become absorbed in goals or survival. This morning, as I look back on my time with Kai, I feel the pain of loss but also of regret at not giving him more of my attention, not savouring more of his magic, so generous, so forgiving, so pure.
Kai, thanks to you, I will do better next time.
Rest in peace my lovely boy.